January 3, 2021

In order to encourage myself to write more book summaries, and not put them off until days or weeks after completing the books, I’ve decided to take a tip from Jenn Im and use a template, specifically the same one she leverages from Ali Abdaal:

The Book in 3 Sentences:

• Many aspects of our lives will hinge on our abilities to negotiate and influence others
• Instead of being fearful of the act of negotiating or the unexpected that arises in the midst of negotiating, seek to uncover the ‘No’s and the hidden pieces of information to better understand the whole situation
• We compromise because it’s easy, not because it’s right, so compromises are often bad deals and a bad deal—splitting the difference—is often worse than no deal at all

Impressions:

I really enjoyed how this book explained the importance of mastering negotiations, the importance of extracting and removing the fear and negative perceptions of negotiations, and the plentiful of actionable tips of how to prepare for a negotiation, how to enter a negotiation, how to read the other party and the situation, and other gotchas to be aware of in completing a negotiation. The many real-life hostage negotiations were great examples of how the tips can be put to use in effective ways.

Who Should Read It?

Honestly, I think everyone should read this. I know there are many books out there on negotiating, but this was not only an informative and educational book for me but also a page turner! Voss’s previous experiences as a professional FBI hostage negotiator were so interesting to read. These are high-stakes situations, of life and death, yet the same processes apply. There are many actionable takeaways that can be directly used anywhere from conversations with family to salary negotiations.

Additional Notes:

• Most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by the arguments that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively. Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.
• Labeling negative emotions diffuses them (or defuses them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them. Only 7% of a message is based on the words while 38% comes from the tone of voice and 55% from the speaker’s body language and face.
• Create an accusation audit (every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you) before going into a negotiation and address them upfront.
• There are actually three kinds of “Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.
• The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is.
• While we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is governed by emotion.
• The Behavioral Change Stairway Model proposes five stages—active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change—that take any negotiator from listening to influencing behavior, through effective pauses, minimal encouragers, mirroring, labeling, paraphrasing, and summarizing.
• To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
• There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.
• A surprisingly high percentage of negotiations hinge on something outside dollars and cents, often having more to do with self-esteem, status, and other non-financial needs.